Something about 'now' seems right. I don't have everything that I'm working towards, but I have enough. I am not perfect, but I am enough. I can't make everyone happy, but I do enough.
Sure, I've repeated this mantra in seated meditation, during my yoga practice, or moments just before a complete emotional meltdown.. but it was today, whilst doing nothing, that clarity snuck up and kissed me on the forehead. I'd like to try to articulate what clarity feels like to me, but I don't think it's possible. It's like suddenly, nothing hurts anymore. Everything is immensely significant yet obviously impermanent. And I can just accept that.
I think having such a beautiful weekend that allowed me to have a lot of quality time with myself and my surroundings really paved the way to this revelation. It was a picture perfect weekend, by Rae standards. The weather demanded wool socks and rain boots, the Sunday morning jazz station tugged on heartstrings, and the honesty and insight that came pouring out of the souls I spend my weekends with filled me up. Countless times I stopped to think, "I am so lucky."
I spend each Saturday and Sunday sitting, laying, meditating, flowing, laughing, and sharing atop my yoga mat with seventeen other souls. We are completely honest and open and utterly supportive of one another. We've known each other for seven weeks and I love each and every one of them. They've allowed me to open my heart and my mind and let the world come spilling in.
I understand that people want to be good. I know that they can be trusted. It is clear to me that there is an endless amount of love to be felt. I just had to let it happen. I had to surrender.
So it was just a minute ago that I stripped myself of my weekday costume, stood at the window to admire October, and came to realize that everything is in its place. I am exactly where I need to be. Nothing before this and nothing that will come after this holds the same weight as right now. This is it. This is everything.